Do you play Words With Friends on your iTouch or iPhone? I like that you can put a word in and then go back an hour or a day or a week later and play again. It's fun.

I'm watching Kirstie Alley's show on A&E. I don't know why it entertains me so much, maybe just getting lost in someone's world and forgetting mine for a little while.

Still writing on the new book, but it's going slowly. Sometimes they take off like they're on fire, and sometimes, I don't really pick up the pace until a lot of words in. I'm also editing a manuscript for a friend, but not nearly quickly enough.

Tomorrow I'm going to visit the cemetery. I hope they've put in the headstone by now. When I go up there, it's sad to see the number of family members we've buried. My brothers, my sister-in-law, my niece, my daughter...

My girl is the roughest on me, of course. I miss them all, but when she went, most of me went with her. Now I feel like I'm just waiting, and waiting anxiously, for my time to come so I can go be with her. I'm not sure if that's normal or not. I don't know how long I'll feel this way. Maybe I will until I die. That's a scary thought.

I know I have to do things to get me out of my own head, out of my own sorrow. I've signed up for classes for the upcoming semester at the university. I'm going to apply to the athletic trainer program. Athletic trainers, for those of you who don't know, are the people who take care of the athletes when they hurt themselves, who try to prevent injuries, etc.

I loved the health field before my daughter's stay in the hospital; after that I couldn't stand it. Everything made me remember what she went through. The athletic trainer program has the medical work I love, but it's not taking blood and dealing with sick people or seeing the poor little hurt children. This, I can handle.

I'll probably shadow a trainer one day soon, to get a better handle on what they do. I'm pretty sure this is what I want. Now if they'll just accept me into the program...
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Bees 04/09/2010
 
I went downtown this morning for an appointment, then came home and wrote. It was a great day for it, all cool and raining and dark.

I love being outside, sitting on the deck with my feet up, but those bumblebees and wasps are making it difficult to enjoy the sun. I'm afraid of bees and spiders. Okay, afraid might be an understatement.

They seem to sense this and are always around! Paranoid who, me?? Nah!
 
Something Is 04/01/2010
 
The sun is still here, bright and hot, and my arms and legs have taken on a nice...reddish cast. I'm still burning, but no nice even tan. Maybe I just can't tan. I don't know. I just know it feels good in the sun. It makes me feel good.

I wonder if Celexa is making me gain weight.
 
Shallow Waters 03/30/2010
 
I think I might actually be getting a slight suntan. Or burn. Or maybe it's just that I'm developing some freckles from being in the sun. Either way, it's better than that glow in the dark with a greenish cast skin I usually have hiding under my clothes. Seriously. They could use my skin as reflectors for bicycles.

Today was a lazy day. Edits are finished and I have a new book coming out next month. Two more in the works, and one clanging around inside my head clamoring for some substance. It's what I do. I write.

The last two winters have been filled with sorrow and horror, and I haven't exactly been pounding out the stories. But I have grown. I'd rather not have been forced to, actually, but there you go. Changes happen and we can either go along and learn and grow, or we can swim in bitterness, anger, and hopelessness until we die.

Sometimes I don't know how I keep going. Sometimes I want to crawl into a dark corner of my mind and curl up with my thumb in my mouth. But I'm here. I'm still breathing, and I still have hope.

Good for me.
 
Shadows 03/29/2010
 
Today was pretty busy. it was cold and rainy, so I didn't get to sit out on the deck and enjoy the sunshine, but at least it wasn't raining like it did yesterday.

I went to the vet and picked up a syringe of meds for my dog, as well as her heart worm preventative pills. It was first attempt at giving her a shot, but I managed. It was a bit stressful, but once I did it, it was fine. Way better than taking her all the way to the vet to have it done. She hates riding in cars and gets car sick. So, this was the best way.

Today was the day I picked out my daughter's headstone. It was difficult to maintain stoicism at times, but I made it through without breaking down. I chose a heart-shaped stone. I got an engraving of baby angel with her arm around a lamb, a dove at the top, and a rose, and the words 'our little angel' under her name and dates.

My niece brought over her newborn today. I wasn't sure how I was going to feel about holding a baby in my arms, but it was fine. The baby did remind me of my own, but it was fine. Such a beautiful, tiny little infant.

My sister-in-law died a couple of days ago, of a drug overdose. One of my brothers-her husband-died nine years ago of an extended illness, and when he died, she turned to drugs to cope, I think.
 
Behind Bars 03/25/2010
 
It's over. My family's murderer got life in prison without the possibility of parole.

Yesterday was a very hard day in court, because we had to just sit and wait, and wait, and wait. Finally at nearly eight o'clock last night, they reached a decision.

I'm not sure it's actually sunk in yet that it's really, really over. I'll give myself a couple of days to recuperate from the long days of anxiety and stress. Last night I dreamed that someone told me this murderer was going to get out of prison. It was one of those dreams that seem real, even after you've been awake for a while. I had to think about it, and realize that it was only a dream.
 
 
Tomorrow I'll be at court before nine, and I'm sure I'll spend all day there. Tomorrow the jury will recommend life or death for the murderer. Then, for us, it will be over. At least the legal part. Missing my family, thinking of them, realizing all of a sudden they're just not here anymore, that will never be over, will it?

I put on some sturdy shoes and went out to walk around the yard, but it was just too cold. I came back in after the wind tried to knock me over. What a difference from yesterday!

My niece is in the hospital tonight. Tomorrow morning, her doctor is going to induce her labor. I miss babies. I miss my baby.

My baby was the love of my life. She was a perfect baby. I can't wait to see her again.
 
 
Again the weather was gorgeous, so I worked in the yard. I planted more rose and other bushes, as well as a couple plants. I know rain is coming, and next week is supposed to be a bit cooler, so I'm soaking in the sun while I can. This is perfect weather; not too hot, not too cold.

My lower back is not in the best shape. I have to stop digging every little bit because the pain becomes pretty unbearable. So frustrating! I'm not sure what I've done to it, but hopefully it will heal.

I read a little of Under the Dome by Stephen King today, as well. He is and always has been one of my favorite writers. The Stand, Misery, The Dark Tower books...

It's late, and I have to brush my teeth and wash my face and fall into bed. I'm so tired. That's one good thing about working so hard in the sun. It wears me out and I can sleep.
 
Bright Darkness 03/19/2010
 
I had this blog post typed up, with a few photos hanging on at the end, and suddenly, kaput! the whole thing disappeared. At times this site has a few issues. Seriously.

I couldn't get it to work again until now, so I'll try to remember what I wrote.

The meeting with the prosecutor was quick and simple. Or it was supposed to be, anyway. Just some information about the upcoming penalty phase of the trial, mainly.

But family was there, and they started talking about my brother, telling stories and such, and I just...broke down. I don't cry in front of people. I just don't. But it burst out of me like water from a broken water pipe, and there was not a thing I could do about it. I had no control. I cried noisily and messily, with my hands to my face, part of my mind standing back going, "what the hell?"

Today I had an appointment with my OB/GYN, unfortunately. Fun, fun, that. The weather was so wonderful, so warm and sunny, that I spent most of it out on the deck, once I returned home from my appointment.

I took pictures of what I saw on my ride home. Starkness, ugliness, beauty...it's all out there.

Not one second went by today when I didn't miss my daughter with an intensity that made it difficult to breathe. Sometimes it just hurts so very, very much.

I'm going to break out my Elisabeth Kubler-Ross book, on Life after Death, when I've finished this post. It comforts me. It gives me hope.
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Not pretty, but the day was bright
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Beautiful, lonely little tree
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Lovely
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Cotton Candy 03/17/2010
 
The weather was wonderful today. 60's, sunny, warm, with big white fluffy clouds in the deep blue sky. I spent a lot of time out there today, then felt guilty because my girl would have loved it.

I puttered around out there, took some pictures of the sky and the dog. Re-potted some plants, stuff like that. It was nice. Peaceful.

Tomorrow is the meeting with the prosecutor. I'll ride down with my mom. I'm not sure who else in the family is going, except for my dad, stepbrother, and nephew. The prosecutor is going to talk to us about the upcoming penalty phase of the trial. I hope it doesn't take the jury too long to come back with a decision.
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