I have to pick out her headstone soon. When Spring comes, they'll install it on her grave, in our family cemetery. I keep putting it off. It seems so final. Part of me wants to do everything; go through her pictures, make remembrance albums of her, put pictures of the two of us together in frames, make her a website, just lose myself in doing things about her. But this blog is about all I've managed so far. Everything else just hurts. I guess it's just not time yet. I haven't even been able to go into her room yet, or box up her things.

Funny how before this happened, I was sure I wanted to be cremated. Now I know I want to be buried next to her.

We have videos of her, my son and I. They're on his computer. Some are on mine, but mostly, they're on his. I can't look at them. I'm glad we have them, but for later. Right now, videos are too much. To see her picture is one thing, and very hard. But videos...to hear her laugh, see her moving, smiling, hugging us...no, just too much.

Days like today I feel mentally exhausted. People who lose someone should be given as long as they need to recuperate. I don't want to do anything right now. I don't want to move from this bed. Not today, anyway.
 
My first glimpse of Apple's new iPad. Wow.
 
I've become obsessed with knitting small drawstring bags. Over and over, whenever I'm sitting here watching TV or a movie, I knit them. I put beads on them as well. Washcloths are a close second. :)

Today was a good day, as much as I could have a good day not even two months after losing my little sweetie. This kind of day gives me hope. I will be okay. And I will see her again. I can't wait. But in the meantime, I'll be okay.

I'm watching the match between Henin and Zheng. I don't think Henin will have too much trouble, but I could be wrong. A few minutes ago, Serena Williams was having a much harder time of it.

I may be painting this weekend, the living room walls, and maybe my bedroom. Debating on having hardwood floors  put in the kitchen. I've been doing little things to change the house, nothing major.

My son bought me the second season of Nip Tuck today. I watched the first season on DVD and liked it. Also loving Dexter and TrueBlood. I'm not watching Lost when it comes on next month; I'm going to wait for it to come out on DVD. I have patience. I'd much rather watch it straight out on DVD than have to watch it from week to week. That's how I am with most of my favorite shows.

Back to knitting and watching tennis.
 
The clouds were so big and fluffy. It snowed last night and this morning the ground was covered. It did not rain. For that I'm always thankful, when it's Winter. Rain is fine in the Summer, but in Winter? No. Just, no.
 
Well.  I had this post almost all typed up and suddenly it disappeared and I had to begin again. Some quirk with Weebly or did I do something? No idea.

I didn't sleep well last night. Hardly slept at all, actually, so this evening I flopped over in my bed and took an hour long nap. For the first time in a long time, going to sleep felt really great. That's one nice thing about total exhaustion, I suppose.

When I woke up, I was starving. I hadn't wanted to eat all day today, even though it wasn't a bad day, so late this evening I was hungry. I made a quick trip to the video store and Kroger. When I got home I cooked the groceries I'd picked up; eggs and bacon and sausage, biscuits and sausage gravy, potatoes O'brien and sliced tomatoes. And orange juice. I must say, it was great. Breakfast for dinner.

I bought six movies and rented two, but here I sit watching tennis. It's okay. When the Australian Open is over, I'll watch my movies. I bought All About Steve, Star Trek, Eagle Eye, Gran Torino, The Accidental Husband, and New in Town. I rented The Proposal and Surrogates.

Yesterday I bought some pretty frames in which to put pictures of my daughter, but I couldn't bring myself to do it yet. Looking at her pictures, especially ones I haven't looked at for awhile, is still hard to do.

I took care of some phone calls today that'd I'd been putting off, but that's as far as I got when it came to doing any kind of work. I haven't written or edited for a couple of days. I'm going to try to do some of that tomorrow.
 
My sister calling to tell me her dream about my daughter. Also, I felt better today.
 
I decided to stick with the antidepressants I'm currently on, and not change to something stronger. I stopped to pick up a few things at the store afterward; some concealer, more yarn, a couple more bamboo knitting needles, a new coffee maker, some picture frames.

I felt better today. It's always a relief to get through a couple of really bad days and realize that my fears of never feeling better are unfounded. I'll have really bad days, I know, but what keeps me going is realizing that it will get better. I won't always feel so bad.

One of my sisters called me this morning and told me she'd had a dream about my daughter, that she'd been laughing and happy and so peaceful. That in the dream my daughter had told her to tell me not to be so unhappy, because we would see each other again. And that she was now watching over me the way I'd always watched over her.

Those things do comfort me. I do wish I'd have a dream about her, a good dream. But my sleep is so broken, and when I do dream it's about bad things; once I was getting ready to be shot by a firing squad, once I was hiding from men who were trying to hurt me, stuff like that. I just want to dream about my baby. Good dreams where she's telling me she's happy and waiting for me. Maybe I do have those dreams and just don't remember.

The trial for the second tragedy is next month. But somehow, with this third tragedy-my daughter's death-the trial and punishment of The Monster just doesn't seem as important. It no longer consumes me. Thoughts and dreams of revenge are gone. I have faith The Monster will be dealt with, whether in this life or the next. But it is out of my hands and I won't let The Monster continue to affect me so much. I know that is a better way for me to be, even though it took an entire year and the third tragedy for me to get here.

I'm going to gather up some books for my sister to borrow. My niece is coming to get them. Then I'll knit and watch tennis, and hope I continue to feel, if not great, at least better.

Today has been good that way. And I sure do appreciate it.
 
An old friend called, one who'd just found out about my daughter, and offered her support. We had a nice conversation.
 
I'm out of sorts today, even for lately. Depressed and anxious at the same time. I keep flashing to the hospital and to her cries and labored breathing, the pain, the procedures. Can't get it out of my mind.

It's a rainy, dreary day. I went to the store late this evening just to walk around where there are people and lights, hoping that might help. It really didn't. Today is one of those days when I can't help but be afraid that maybe I will feel this way forever. Maybe tomorrow won't be better.

Tomorrow it's back to therapy, and we'll discuss meds. Before, she'd offered me what I call The Zombie Pill, meds that she assured me would make me hurt less. Would make me feel less. She said I wouldn't feel sad. On the downside, she said I wouldn't feel happy either. I'd just be somewhere in between. It's tempting. Very tempting.

I'm taking an antidepressant, but it's not something that's actually taking away my pain. I'm not sure, no matter what she says, that anything could do that. I'm also afraid that even if it does put me in a place where I feel little, well, sometime I'm going to go off those meds. What then? I'm going to have to deal with it, if not now, then some time in the future. I don't know. I'm not very decisive of late. I'll talk with her tomorrow and decide then.

Meanwhile, I'm going to settle in to watch the Australian Open and knit a washcloth or two.
 
I did something for someone else. And that always feels good.