I decided to stick with the antidepressants I'm currently on, and not change to something stronger. I stopped to pick up a few things at the store afterward; some concealer, more yarn, a couple more bamboo knitting needles, a new coffee maker, some picture frames.
I felt better today. It's always a relief to get through a couple of really bad days and realize that my fears of never feeling better are unfounded. I'll have really bad days, I know, but what keeps me going is realizing that it will get better. I won't always feel so bad.
One of my sisters called me this morning and told me she'd had a dream about my daughter, that she'd been laughing and happy and so peaceful. That in the dream my daughter had told her to tell me not to be so unhappy, because we would see each other again. And that she was now watching over me the way I'd always watched over her.
Those things do comfort me. I do wish I'd have a dream about her, a good dream. But my sleep is so broken, and when I do dream it's about bad things; once I was getting ready to be shot by a firing squad, once I was hiding from men who were trying to hurt me, stuff like that. I just want to dream about my baby. Good dreams where she's telling me she's happy and waiting for me. Maybe I do have those dreams and just don't remember.
The trial for the second tragedy is next month. But somehow, with this third tragedy-my daughter's death-the trial and punishment of The Monster just doesn't seem as important. It no longer consumes me. Thoughts and dreams of revenge are gone. I have faith The Monster will be dealt with, whether in this life or the next. But it is out of my hands and I won't let The Monster continue to affect me so much. I know that is a better way for me to be, even though it took an entire year and the third tragedy for me to get here.
I'm going to gather up some books for my sister to borrow. My niece is coming to get them. Then I'll knit and watch tennis, and hope I continue to feel, if not great, at least better.
Today has been good that way. And I sure do appreciate it.
I felt better today. It's always a relief to get through a couple of really bad days and realize that my fears of never feeling better are unfounded. I'll have really bad days, I know, but what keeps me going is realizing that it will get better. I won't always feel so bad.
One of my sisters called me this morning and told me she'd had a dream about my daughter, that she'd been laughing and happy and so peaceful. That in the dream my daughter had told her to tell me not to be so unhappy, because we would see each other again. And that she was now watching over me the way I'd always watched over her.
Those things do comfort me. I do wish I'd have a dream about her, a good dream. But my sleep is so broken, and when I do dream it's about bad things; once I was getting ready to be shot by a firing squad, once I was hiding from men who were trying to hurt me, stuff like that. I just want to dream about my baby. Good dreams where she's telling me she's happy and waiting for me. Maybe I do have those dreams and just don't remember.
The trial for the second tragedy is next month. But somehow, with this third tragedy-my daughter's death-the trial and punishment of The Monster just doesn't seem as important. It no longer consumes me. Thoughts and dreams of revenge are gone. I have faith The Monster will be dealt with, whether in this life or the next. But it is out of my hands and I won't let The Monster continue to affect me so much. I know that is a better way for me to be, even though it took an entire year and the third tragedy for me to get here.
I'm going to gather up some books for my sister to borrow. My niece is coming to get them. Then I'll knit and watch tennis, and hope I continue to feel, if not great, at least better.
Today has been good that way. And I sure do appreciate it.
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