Lately I've been really angry. Furious, really, and at the drop of a hat.

Like when someone who knows me asks, what's wrong? Is something wrong?

I want to scream at them, yes, of course something's wrong! My daughter died! My heart was ripped out and stomped on and every single breath I take hurts. Every single thought I have is of her. Every single moment I live is filled with despair. I want my baby. I want my baby! And I am so mad.

But that was over two months ago. Some people think I should be moving on with my life, and what, faking happiness? I understand, I do. I know people just don't want to see another person hurting. They don't want to have to think that I'm in such pain. But I am.

It's only been two months. Two months, which seems unbelievable to me. Have I only been feeling this way for two months? Hasn't this pain been going on for years?? Two months, really?
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Hi Annie,
Thanks for your comment at my blog; that it still means something to people who stumble upon it makes it worthwhile. I'm so sorry for the loss of your beloved daughter. I don't believe in ranking pain or grief, but amongst the widows I've shared my own pain with, whenever they say that there's nothing worse than losing a true love, a tiny voice has always whispered in the back of my mind that there might be, and if there is, losing a child is it.

2 months is so very early, though it will not seem so to what I call "the uninitiated." It's easy enough for them to go on; it's not their life that shows the absence of a loved one in even the smallest activities. We know they're infused in our lives, but it becomes cruelly clear when we see all the holes in the fabric of our lives where they have been ripped away.

The anger will come and go. I am 3 1/2 years out, and still, when I get that hair-trigger anger, I know I'm in for a grief wave. That or PMS. I always have to check the calendar. :o) It takes so much time, and it hurts so much, but I promise you, it will get better. You will get stronger. The pain of losing her never really gets better; you just grow stronger around that, like a tree that's been struck by lightning. The injury is there, and affects all the growth rings that come after it, but the tree continues to live.

I read your whole blog, and your inspiration page. I have 2 friends who had NDEs, one of whom has died twice on the table. What they told me eased my mind immensely. I have also received ADCs from my beloved. It helps a lot...but some days, not enough. They still aren't where we want them: here. And it's okay not to be okay with that.

Hugs.

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2/27/2010

Thanks so much for commenting. I have your blog saved to favorites, and will read posts from it every day. Grief makes a person lonely, and it's always a good feeling to find others who understand. I find myself reading and nodding, thinking, that's exactly how I feel or felt or thought!

The best thing anyone ever said to me is that it will get better, when it comes from someone who knows. So thank you for that.

I so wish I'd have an ADC from my baby and my brothers. Sometimes I wonder if maybe I'm just not listening the right way. I don't know anyone personally who has had a NDE, but I can imagine that knowing someone like that would definitely help ease one's mind.

Thanks again for visiting me and leaving such a helpful comment. I wish you all the best.

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