While she was in the hospital, respiratory would come around pretty often and do a blood gas draw. I can't stop thinking about that, about how it hurt her. How I held her little arm because I didn't want someone else to hold her still and maybe hold her too hard. I've never had an arterial blood gas drawn, but they assured me that it hurt a lot, because of the nerves there. Things like that torture me. How much does it hurt? Sometimes they'd have to prod and poke for too long because they couldn't find the exact right spot to get the blood. I'm so furious at them all for hurting my baby. God, I'm so sorry. I wish I could have had time to make it better. But she didn't get better. I didn't get to bring her home. She hurt, she died. And I'm a mess.

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