I have to pick out her headstone soon. When Spring comes, they'll install it on her grave, in our family cemetery. I keep putting it off. It seems so final. Part of me wants to do everything; go through her pictures, make remembrance albums of her, put pictures of the two of us together in frames, make her a website, just lose myself in doing things about her. But this blog is about all I've managed so far. Everything else just hurts. I guess it's just not time yet. I haven't even been able to go into her room yet, or box up her things.

Funny how before this happened, I was sure I wanted to be cremated. Now I know I want to be buried next to her.

We have videos of her, my son and I. They're on his computer. Some are on mine, but mostly, they're on his. I can't look at them. I'm glad we have them, but for later. Right now, videos are too much. To see her picture is one thing, and very hard. But videos...to hear her laugh, see her moving, smiling, hugging us...no, just too much.

Days like today I feel mentally exhausted. People who lose someone should be given as long as they need to recuperate. I don't want to do anything right now. I don't want to move from this bed. Not today, anyway.

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