I'm Still Here 08/12/2010
 
I've become determined to do anything I can to try to get back some small joy in living, even if I have to do it without my little girl. It's hard to bear the pain, but when I'm very busy, I do better. Some things I still have to work through, such as guilt and worry and all the many, many things that come with the death of your child.

I took five classes over the summer semester, and managed A's in all of them. I got an A- in one of the classes, which did aggravate me a little, but that's okay. I'll take it.

Fall semester begins next week, and I have a feeling it's going to be a bit tougher. Biology, chemistry, algebra, and nutrition. Nutrition will be a piece of cake (pun intended), but I do have trouble with algebra. I've never been good with numbers. Not even a little bit.

Anyway, on Mondays and Wednesdays I will be at the university all day.

I do look forward to Fall weather, because it's been so very extremely hot here this summer. I was going through town yesterday and the thermometer read 104 degrees. The air is hot and heavy and wet. Very uncomfortable!

I've nearly finished the sequel I've been writing, and also received a contract for another book, so we're doing the rounds of edits on it. The publisher of a different house asked me to write a book specifically for her, so I'm also doing that. She's also offered me a contract for a book I'd finished, but the contract hasn't arrived yet. I wanted busy? I sure did get it.

Next week I start classes on Monday, hair appointment on Tuesday, class on Wednesday, meeting with attorney on Thursday...the week after that it's class, therapy, class, and I'm not sure what else. Which is why I'm going to do a marathon writing session while I've got the time. It doesn't help that tennis is on, distracting me. Turn it off?? No way. It's Roger Federer.

I switched to a different antidepressant. I've also been exercising and eating better, so we'll see how that goes. Some days I feel better, some days I don't. I guess that's just the way it goes.
 
Seven Months 07/17/2010
 
It's been seven months today. And this is the first day I've been able to talk about her with my son. Yes, I broke down, but it felt good to talk about her. After all, what if she's listening? I don't want her to think we don't talk about her because we don't think about her. It just hurts so much, hurts to even say her name.

We talked about how much it hurts to not buy her things like we used to, so one thing we decided was to keep buying her things. We waited YEARS for Family Matters to come out on DVD, because for some reason, the baby loved that show. She'd watch the reruns whenever we could catch them on for her. How strange is it that a few months after she passed, the DVDs came out? Well, the first season, anyway.

We're going to buy that first season for her, and play it for her. If her spirit comes to visit, she'll be happy to see it. She sure did love Steve Urkel.

I've gone back to school. With edits, writing, school, keeping house, keeping up with my websites and publishing chats and contacts and communications, among other things, I am pretty much busy constantly. And that's a good thing.

I've also been getting out with a friend, a woman I met at court during my brother's murder trial. We went to visit The Serpent Mound, and other outdoor places where we could enjoy nature. Lately though, it's so stifling hot that hiking is not one of my favorite things to do.

I'm studying to become an Athletic Trainer. I may have written that already.

A writer who will also be an ATC. I WILL be busy. That's a good thing.