Beyond the Sea 05/11/2010
 
Today has been one of my 'down' days, as I think of them. Missing my daughter, accidentally running across pictures I'm not ready to look at, like those of her in the hospital. Remembering things she used to do, or laugh about, or want. Parties we'd have for her in October or whichever month, not because anything was happening but because she wanted a party. Balloons, wrapped presents, cakes, pizza, the whole thing. I like to think I did good, but part of me keeps whispering that I could have done better. And I just miss her. I still can't quite figure out what it is I'm supposed to be doing now, or who it is I'm supposed to be.

And I still can't wrap my head around the fact that this thing called life is supposed to be a gift, and that I'm throwing it away with my misery. I can't figure out how this is a gift when all I want is the gift that comes after. I want to be with them, the ones I loved and lost. I want my baby girl.
 
Ouchies 05/02/2010
 
Yesterday I got a cartilage piercing in my left ear. That did sting! Today though, it only hurts if I touch it. Because I have to turn the earring quite often, it hurts quite a bit;) Nothing I can't handle. In a couple of weeks, I'll go back and have the other ear done. I didn't want to do them both at once because I don't like sleeping solely on my back. It wouldn't be a good idea to have two seriously painful ears going at once. I have to leave this earring in for three months before I can change it out. That's a long time!

Today is had rained all day long, and not just a little rain. A lot of rain. It was a good day to write, so that's what I did. I need to turn off my phone and internet while I'm trying to write, because rain or no rain, my phone does not stop ringing. I could get much more work done if I shut down the communication avenues. :)

The pictures are from a couple of days ago when I went to visit my baby's grave.

Kirstie Alley's show is on tonight, so I'll watch that, have some hamburgers and coffee, and relax. I can hear the rain.
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