Today has been one of my 'down' days, as I think of them. Missing my daughter, accidentally running across pictures I'm not ready to look at, like those of her in the hospital. Remembering things she used to do, or laugh about, or want. Parties we'd have for her in October or whichever month, not because anything was happening but because she wanted a party. Balloons, wrapped presents, cakes, pizza, the whole thing. I like to think I did good, but part of me keeps whispering that I could have done better. And I just miss her. I still can't quite figure out what it is I'm supposed to be doing now, or who it is I'm supposed to be.

And I still can't wrap my head around the fact that this thing called life is supposed to be a gift, and that I'm throwing it away with my misery. I can't figure out how this is a gift when all I want is the gift that comes after. I want to be with them, the ones I loved and lost. I want my baby girl.

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