Just like with the anger, I seem to have no control over my tear ducts either. Sometimes when it happens, it's okay; I'm alone. At other times, I try to hide it, or run to the bathroom, or hide behind the clothes in a department store.

It's immediate and surprising, almost always. Sometimes it just waits for a visitor to leave my house and as soon as that door closes, wham, I'm hit with a big crying jag. Or someone says something kind, something sympathetic, and there I go.

If anyone reads this and has had an NDE or knows someone who has, please tell me your experience. I'd love to hear it.

Today my thoughts are disjointed. On the TV guide channel I keep seeing on Nickelodeon all the shows she loved. Spongebob and Dora and The Upside Down Show, and then on TV Land, All In The Family and Family Matters-was that girl ever crazy about Steve Urkel-Three's Company...In the mornings I see Barney pass by and remember her throwing her little arms around in wild abandon as she danced to The Wheels On The Bus and If You're Happy And You Know It and all those other Barney songs. I never disliked Barney, simply because she loved him. Always, always at the end of the show when he sang the I Love You song, she would pull me close and hold me until the song was over.

She couldn't walk, but she danced just the same. She danced with perfection by using her arms. When we watched ice skating she skated along by moving her arms. She couldn't really talk, so I never knew if she wanted to ask why she couldn't walk or dance like other kids.

She was a beautiful, wonderful, perfect child. I was so lucky to be her mom. I just wish I could have kept her forever.

Leave a Reply.