Oh my God what a bad couple of days. I'm depressed, plain and not so simple. It's hard to get out of this quicksand. Thoughts are sluggish, and they actually hurt my head.

I think of dying. I don't make plans, so don't worry. I just think about it. I think about how I want to be there, and not here. I think about how there has to be heaven, and here might be hell. It feels like it, anyway.

But we're supposed to enjoy life, right? So this can't be hell. Life is a gift, isn't it?

I'm SO not afraid to die anymore. I think I might have been, once upon a time. Or I dreaded it, because of life. I enjoyed life then. Maybe I will again, but I'll never be afraid to die.

In a few weeks, if the jury brings back a guilty verdict on my brother's killer, at least that will be a relief, a lessening of the load. It's always scary to think about such a serious thing in the hands of 12 complete strangers.

Life is hard.

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