I meant to have this post written before midnight, but I didn't get to it. It was a pretty busy day, with my therapy appointment and the usual stop at Walmart. I live in a small town surrounded by other small towns, and Walmart is all we have. Seriously.

It was packed tonight, and when I stopped at Kroger to pick up water for my mom, that store was packed as well. Walmart was out of the water she wanted; nearly out of all water, so Kroger it was. And Kroger was also nearly out of water. That's what happens when we get the hint of a Winter storm around here. Everyone runs to stock up just in case we lose power and water, which actually, happens here way too often. Or so it seems, anyway.

I received a tarot card set today for a gift; the book, bag, and cards. The artwork on the cards is gorgeous. I haven't read the book yet, but I did make a pretty little drawstring bag to hold the cards. Of course I did. If there's a use for a drawstring bag, or even if there isn't, I'll make one. Told you I'm obsessed.

I also got a Linda Howard book today, one of the few of hers I haven't read. Talked to a couple of my editors, had a long conversation with a friend, and made myself another schedule of sorts. It helps me to have a plan for my day, and to check things off as I complete them. Lately, I'm more inclined to lie for hours in front of the TV than do anything constructive. Time to get to work, whether I want to or not.

Let's see, what else...I ate too many sweets. I crave them, lately. At the store I bought powdered donuts, and ate some of them in the car. I was shaking like an addict too long without a fix. It's very odd. My drug is sugar. That's just wrong. I've got to get my system back to normal.

Some days when I think about this blog, I think I'll write about the day she died. But it's not something I can do yet. I can't. I try not to think about it so much, because it hurts in places so deep and dark I don't think a healing hand can ever reach them. So not right now. But someday, I'll go over that time in the hospital, maybe it'll even help me see it more clearly. Because lately, all I can remember are the very bad things, her pitiful, heart-wrenching cries of pain, the procedures, the sounds...

But even through all that, I remember saying, smile baby, can you show mama that pretty smile? and she would smile, although only one side of her face would move. Even though she was in such pain. And here I am now, crying, so sad, because she was the love of my life and she hurt. And she's gone. I never got to make it better. She just hurt, and then she was gone. And I hate that I didn't get to make it better. 

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