I did make a list of things to do today, so I wouldn't just lie on the bed in a slightly numb lump, staring at the TV. Sometimes it's like so many thoughts are running through my mind at once, so many things I need to do or think about that I end up doing nothing because I can't decide where to start. Maybe that's a side effect of grief.

The list was a way to get organized, but I still didn't finish everything on it. I did edit, I did do laundry, and I did knit. Other than that, I didn't do much. Still, the day went reasonably quickly.

It's strange how difficult it is to keep my thoughts straight. Earlier I was thinking, I can't wait to feel better. I can't wait to start enjoying life. I can't wait for an entire day to go by when I don't hurt. But right on the heels of that, I thought, no, that day can never come. It shouldn't. Like, I felt if I went a day without suffering, or enjoyed the day, that would seem as though I no longer cared about her, or...I don't know. It's strange. I am not thinking real straight just yet.

I've lost so many people in the last few years, it's overwhelming. And losing them in such bad ways. Murder, illness that was so shockingly quick there was no time to prepare, if there is such a thing. Of course, there is never a good way of losing someone, I'm sure. But there are bad ways and there are worse ways.

Still, when it's over, they're gone, no matter how they go. And we're left here, trying to figure out how to go on living, breathing. How to be someone we no longer recognize because the whole world has changed. How to live with pain that never takes pity and never eases up for a moment.

But I understand, I really, really do, that we wake up one morning and realize the sun is shining. That we came through something that ripped us up one side and down the other, and we're okay. Not the same as we were, not by a long shot, but okay. I hold on to that.

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