I'm out of sorts today, even for lately. Depressed and anxious at the same time. I keep flashing to the hospital and to her cries and labored breathing, the pain, the procedures. Can't get it out of my mind.

It's a rainy, dreary day. I went to the store late this evening just to walk around where there are people and lights, hoping that might help. It really didn't. Today is one of those days when I can't help but be afraid that maybe I will feel this way forever. Maybe tomorrow won't be better.

Tomorrow it's back to therapy, and we'll discuss meds. Before, she'd offered me what I call The Zombie Pill, meds that she assured me would make me hurt less. Would make me feel less. She said I wouldn't feel sad. On the downside, she said I wouldn't feel happy either. I'd just be somewhere in between. It's tempting. Very tempting.

I'm taking an antidepressant, but it's not something that's actually taking away my pain. I'm not sure, no matter what she says, that anything could do that. I'm also afraid that even if it does put me in a place where I feel little, well, sometime I'm going to go off those meds. What then? I'm going to have to deal with it, if not now, then some time in the future. I don't know. I'm not very decisive of late. I'll talk with her tomorrow and decide then.

Meanwhile, I'm going to settle in to watch the Australian Open and knit a washcloth or two.

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