Sackcloth and Gashes

I spent a lot of today shopping. I felt unsettled, sad. I kept seeing things she would have loved, and wanted to buy things for her. But after awhile I got my head a little clearer and decided I'd buy my sister some snacks, books, and writing/drawing materials.

I bought her a couple of heavy cloth totes and chips, popcorn, cookies, candy, stuff like that, as well as notebooks, colored pencils, markers, crayons, drawing pad, etc. She's had a hard time of things and it makes me feel better to make someone else feel better.

My ex-husband is in my dining room right now installing a CD/Radio/Light unit under one of the shelves. I don't listen to CDs anymore, really, because I have my iPod and computers, but I like it. And someone else might listen to CDs in it.

I have a little TV/DVD combo in my kitchen, so when I'm cooking I can watch, or at least listen, to TV. If I'm going to be cooking or baking most of the day, like with Thanksgiving or Christmas, I'll usually put a movie in. A Christmas Story or Harry Potter or something like that.

Of course I had to go down the yarn isle, and picked up more yarn. And more knitting needles, and some ribbon and beads. Really, it seems like I was gone for so long I surely got more stuff, but that's about it. Well, I did get some food, and the goodies for my sister. And I bought myself a watch, one of those huge silver ones with the expanding bands. It is too big for my wrist. Way too big.

After I write this, I'm going to google support groups for parents with kids who have CP. Or those who have lost kids with CP. I think it would help. It couldn't hurt, could it?

Today I had good conversations.

Today was a decent day. I laughed once and then felt bad for doing it, as though she was listening and wondering why I was, for that one second, not so sad. As though it meant that I loved her any less. Silly, I know, but when you're grieving and devastated and hurt, you're not always logical. Your thoughts aren't always straight. So I felt guilty for that laugh. How could I, for even one brief instant, feel like laughing? My baby is gone.

I tried to log in before midnight to make my daily post, but the site was down. So I'm sure I'll have two posts showing up for the day.

Tomorrow I'm going to spend the day shopping. I can spend hours and hours shopping and wear anyone else out who is with me. Lately, especially, I've wanted to spend time out of the house, even if it means walking aimlessly around the stores. I just want to lose myself in the throngs of people, to not sit here and think. So tomorrow, or today, I guess it is now, I'm going shopping. I could clean house, again, but there isn't much to do and shopping suits my mood. Saturdays are good for buying things you don't need, especially when doing so will help you feel better.

I'm all for feeling better. I try to do everything possible to help myself. I even limited myself to one bowl of ice cream for tonight and a couple of mini powdered donuts with my coffee this morning. I had a turkey sandwich for lunch and a salad and baked potato for dinner. That's an improvement.

My dog is acting depressed today, which worries me a little. She's so sweet, and smart, and loved my little girl. Those two bonded from the very beginning. We're all just kind of lost.

I felt better today than I did yesterday.

Therapy session went okay. I talked a lot about her, something I haven't been able to do yet. I also talked about my new desire for only sweets. I want ice cream, cakes, donuts, candy bars. That's all I want. My therapist told me that was perfectly normal for this time in my life, but not healthy. I kinda knew that, but still...

On the way home I picked up a space saver shelf and got busy cleaning and arranging the small bathroom. It's good to stay as busy as possible. Last night I couldn't sleep, so I read one of the life after death books I'd ordered. And I've been knitting. Knitting drawstring pouches and washcloths, because those are easy and relaxing.

I got her death certificate today.

I'm one day closer to being with her again.

Today was hard.

I miss her so much. I can't believe that little human being who laughed and played and hugged and did such funny, cute things is gone. Just gone. She was so amazing. And so sweet.

Last night I couldn't sleep. I finally drifted off around five thirty am. Then some people came this morning to get a few things I'd boxed up. Some of her clothes, mostly. Not nearly all of them, just some I'd had in my own closet. I still haven't gone in her room to do anything. Maybe that was the trigger today.

Tomorrow I have therapy. More meds, more talking. Maybe tomorrow I'll feel better. I won't feel this way forever. I tell myself that when the days are really bad. It won't be this bad forever.

I managed some edits after all. I took care of two revisions and they're good. It's a start.

I've convinced myself I'm ready to do the work I've been putting off. I have contracts and can't put it off forever. I opened up Word and just looked at the MS. I wrote my editor and told her I'm beginning revisions. And then I just looked at the requested revisions, overwhelmed.

I have no interest in writing, in doing revisions, in anything that I have to do. I walk around the house and find little things to do, having worn myself out in the early days cleaning from top to bottom.

The pantry was reorganized and cleaned, the cabinets emptied of contents that really should have been thrown out long ago. The floors were mopped and swept and the closets cleaned, clothes I knew I'd never wear boxed up to be given away.

I can't go near her room, though. I'm not ready for that.

Some books I ordered came today, I found them out on the front stoop when I got up today. Books about near death experiences, about finding the purpose of one's life, about death and dying.

I watch a little tennis, read a little, eat a little. My eyes wander to her pictures on my bedroom wall and I look away again, quickly. It hurts too much to look at her pictures.

I try to force my mind to other things when it dwells on what she went through, the pain I couldn't save her from. I rage silently at the doctors and nurses for the procedures that did nothing other than cause her more pain.

But through it all, I try to remember what I believe in. She's waiting for me, happy. She's forgotten her pain. She's surrounded by great things that we can't even imagine. I will see her again, be with her again, hold her again.

It was a nice day. The sun was shining, there was no rain, and it was relatively warm. It gave me hope that Spring is not far away...