Sackcloth and Gashes

Today. Hmm. What to say about today.

I am less hurt today than I was yesterday. At least parts of today I was less hurt than yesterday. I kept flashing on that beautiful, special little face while wasting the Sunday in a store, wandering around. I should have been home writing, but these days, staying home isn't high on my list of good things to do. It's too familiar. There are too many memories.

Every I look around I see her pictures, her toys, her ensure, pampers...so many memories. I can't figure out if I shouldn't push it right now, if I should hide all those things so I don't have to see them the entire time I'm home, or if I should keep looking every day, forcing myself to face reality. No matter how much it hurts. Triggers. Do I avoid them, or not? I don't know.

When both my brothers died, I couldn't look at their pictures. I couldn't look at them in their caskets. But with my girl, I did. Maybe because she was my child. Or maybe because she died in my arms, and I'd already faced it. I wanted to bring her home, but I couldn't take her across State lines; that and the fact that my family thought I'd lost my mind and I gave up. I wasn't ready to walk out of that hospital and let them come take her away.

At the funeral, I cut a lock of her hair and tied it with a ribbon. I put it in a beautiful wooden music box I was given after she died. In with that I put her obituary, and a few keepsakes such as an ornament with her name on it. I kissed her, at the funeral, and looked at her face. But I was numb then. I'm not numb now, not wrapped in disbelief. I don't ask why this happened, because I won't get the answer. I just think about seeing her again when I die. I look forward to dying, as hard as that might be to imagine. I so look forward to it. I want to go be with her. Will that pass? I don't know that either. I just know that I'll probably live for a long, long time. And I hope I'm able to enjoy life again. Because if I can't, what a miserable existence this will be, right?

I have to stop looking to the future, because right now, the future is a scary, scary place. Minute by minute, day by day. That's how I'll get through this. Or at least I'm going to try. Sometimes I have to remind myself. Don't look there, you can't really see the truth there. What's in this moment? This is where you need to be. Look into now, into this second. Pretty soon, it'll be tomorrow. And tomorrow is always going to be brighter than today.

While she was in the hospital, respiratory would come around pretty often and do a blood gas draw. I can't stop thinking about that, about how it hurt her. How I held her little arm because I didn't want someone else to hold her still and maybe hold her too hard. I've never had an arterial blood gas drawn, but they assured me that it hurt a lot, because of the nerves there. Things like that torture me. How much does it hurt? Sometimes they'd have to prod and poke for too long because they couldn't find the exact right spot to get the blood. I'm so furious at them all for hurting my baby. God, I'm so sorry. I wish I could have had time to make it better. But she didn't get better. I didn't get to bring her home. She hurt, she died. And I'm a mess.

We didn't get the snow yet, but it's supposed to come in this evening. I covered my bike a little late. The poor thing has been rained on so much that it's beginning to rust.

I've checked off quite a few things on my list today, and it's funny how much better that makes me feel. Like I've accomplished things that need to be done, and it's more manageable when I'm seeing it all written out in black and white.

My son, who, by the way, is a completely awesome boy, went off to get us a little propane camp stove and propane heater, so we'll have coffee and heat if the power goes out. We've spent many a miserable, dark, cold day and night in the winter without power. Isn't it an amazing feeling with the lights come back on?

My iPod Touch, Nintendo DS, PSP, Netbook, and cell phone are all charged up and ready to go should I lose power. A lighter, plain candles, batteries, and flashlights are all in a ziplock in a drawer, ready for easy access. Four gallons of water are in the pantry. I have crackers and cakes and chips and canned food. I'm ready for Ms. Snowstorm, should she show her icy, vengeful  face.

Edits have been sent for my editor to look at over the weekend, and we're still on track for an April release, even though I've been so out of it. I've contacted another publisher about a fantasy I'd like to submit to them, and am still waiting for a reply.

I finished my mom's laundry, ate some veggies, paid some bills. I've started a washcloth, ignored the TV, fed the fish, and took the dog out. It's five pm and I've accomplished some stuff today. It's good.

I meant to have this post written before midnight, but I didn't get to it. It was a pretty busy day, with my therapy appointment and the usual stop at Walmart. I live in a small town surrounded by other small towns, and Walmart is all we have. Seriously.

It was packed tonight, and when I stopped at Kroger to pick up water for my mom, that store was packed as well. Walmart was out of the water she wanted; nearly out of all water, so Kroger it was. And Kroger was also nearly out of water. That's what happens when we get the hint of a Winter storm around here. Everyone runs to stock up just in case we lose power and water, which actually, happens here way too often. Or so it seems, anyway.

I received a tarot card set today for a gift; the book, bag, and cards. The artwork on the cards is gorgeous. I haven't read the book yet, but I did make a pretty little drawstring bag to hold the cards. Of course I did. If there's a use for a drawstring bag, or even if there isn't, I'll make one. Told you I'm obsessed.

I also got a Linda Howard book today, one of the few of hers I haven't read. Talked to a couple of my editors, had a long conversation with a friend, and made myself another schedule of sorts. It helps me to have a plan for my day, and to check things off as I complete them. Lately, I'm more inclined to lie for hours in front of the TV than do anything constructive. Time to get to work, whether I want to or not.

Let's see, what else...I ate too many sweets. I crave them, lately. At the store I bought powdered donuts, and ate some of them in the car. I was shaking like an addict too long without a fix. It's very odd. My drug is sugar. That's just wrong. I've got to get my system back to normal.

Some days when I think about this blog, I think I'll write about the day she died. But it's not something I can do yet. I can't. I try not to think about it so much, because it hurts in places so deep and dark I don't think a healing hand can ever reach them. So not right now. But someday, I'll go over that time in the hospital, maybe it'll even help me see it more clearly. Because lately, all I can remember are the very bad things, her pitiful, heart-wrenching cries of pain, the procedures, the sounds...

But even through all that, I remember saying, smile baby, can you show mama that pretty smile? and she would smile, although only one side of her face would move. Even though she was in such pain. And here I am now, crying, so sad, because she was the love of my life and she hurt. And she's gone. I never got to make it better. She just hurt, and then she was gone. And I hate that I didn't get to make it better. 

I made an important decision, and I feel I made the right one.

I did make a list of things to do today, so I wouldn't just lie on the bed in a slightly numb lump, staring at the TV. Sometimes it's like so many thoughts are running through my mind at once, so many things I need to do or think about that I end up doing nothing because I can't decide where to start. Maybe that's a side effect of grief.

The list was a way to get organized, but I still didn't finish everything on it. I did edit, I did do laundry, and I did knit. Other than that, I didn't do much. Still, the day went reasonably quickly.

It's strange how difficult it is to keep my thoughts straight. Earlier I was thinking, I can't wait to feel better. I can't wait to start enjoying life. I can't wait for an entire day to go by when I don't hurt. But right on the heels of that, I thought, no, that day can never come. It shouldn't. Like, I felt if I went a day without suffering, or enjoyed the day, that would seem as though I no longer cared about her, or...I don't know. It's strange. I am not thinking real straight just yet.

I've lost so many people in the last few years, it's overwhelming. And losing them in such bad ways. Murder, illness that was so shockingly quick there was no time to prepare, if there is such a thing. Of course, there is never a good way of losing someone, I'm sure. But there are bad ways and there are worse ways.

Still, when it's over, they're gone, no matter how they go. And we're left here, trying to figure out how to go on living, breathing. How to be someone we no longer recognize because the whole world has changed. How to live with pain that never takes pity and never eases up for a moment.

But I understand, I really, really do, that we wake up one morning and realize the sun is shining. That we came through something that ripped us up one side and down the other, and we're okay. Not the same as we were, not by a long shot, but okay. I hold on to that.

I actually just brought in my weighted hula hoop, to get a little exercise. Also, the thing on my cheek is going away.

So I didn't come back last night after all. I'm not even sure why not. I'm too lazy to try to remember. I didn't even write yesterday's Good Thing. I will write two good things tonight to make up for it, if I can think of two. I mean, I could think of two good things like, I'm not blind, I'm not homeless, I don't have cancer, I'm not alone. All those things are good. Good that I don't have them or...you know what I mean. But as far as good things that actually happened today? I don't know. I'll think about it for my Good Things post.

I'm watching You've Got Mail again, because it makes me feel good. There's a good thing, yes? I realized that Callie (Sara Ramirez) from Grey's Anatomy is the pain in the ass Rose, the cash-only-line checkout woman in You've Got Mail. Isn't that funny? I do like her on Grey's.

Lost, the final season, is on tonight. I won't be watching it, though. Nope. I love Lost, enough that I can't stand watching it from week to week. I'll get it on DVD when it comes out, so I can watch the shows back to back without having to wait a week. I'm sure I wrote about this in one of my previous posts.

Can you tell I don't really want to write about anything serious? Like the fact that I didn't do edits again today, or that I barely managed to move from my bed. That yesterday I was determined today I would exercise, but I didn't. Or that I'm having money troubles. Or that I no longer even know who I am. I was her mommy a few weeks ago. Her caregiver, the person who loved her most in the world, and I knew exactly what I was supposed to be doing and who I was. I don't have a clue now.

But I don't want to talk about, or think about, the heavy stuff. I just want to bury myself in movies and forget.

And eat. And knit drawstring bags. Maybe a nice cotton washcloth or two.

Everything's going to be all right.

Did you know that ostriches don't really bury their heads in the sand?

Today was a better day than the last two, thank God. I think I might have been too mentally exhausted to keep up the intensity.

Panic Room in on the TV, and I'm thinking of putting a pizza in the oven. I love pizza, from cheese pizza to pizza with pretty much everything. My mom used to make homemade pizza, she made the crust from scratch, piled it full of a little bit of everything, and it was really, really good. I've never tasted another pizza like the ones she used to make.

I'm happy that I did some edits today. They wanted me to do a few things, nothing major, really, but lately it has all seemed major. The ending was too abrupt, so I'm adding to that. If I could make myself stick with the edits every day, I'd have it finished this week.

I'm going to put that pizza in the oven. Then maybe I'll be back. Or maybe I'll just go do some more edits, which is what I should do.