Sackcloth and Gashes

After the one amazing day yesterday, today was nothing but rain. But soon, soon, it'll be nothing but sunshine.

I met a woman at court who is an outdoorsy type person. She has offered to take me hiking with her, to which I readily agreed. I'll take my camera. We'll go when the weather clears, after the sentencing phase of the trial. I'll be glad to have that behind me.

My baby's birthday is coming up. It'll be a sad day, a hard day.

Today was amazing, weather-wise. It was just beautiful. Sunshine and warmth, a slight breeze carrying the scents of Spring...

Even when clouds covered the sun and I thought it might rain, it was still wonderful. A perfect day for yard work, so that's just what I did. I was outdoors nearly all day, planting rosebushes, placing, edging, cleaning, digging, and wearing myself out.

The physical labor on such a gorgeous day felt great. I broke for lunch, having a sandwich, salad, fruit, and coke. I went back out afterward to do some more work, and to watch my dog run around the yard until she finally flopped over with her tongue out from sheer exhaustion. We both had a good day.

Okay. The first part of the trial is over, with my brother and his family's murderer found guilty. I can't tell you the relief at hearing that first 'guilty' verdict. I spent a lot of time at that courthouse, up at dawn and back home late at night, waiting, waiting, and more waiting.

It was scary. Sitting there when the jury finally reached a decision, with my eyes clenched shut, holding the hand of the person next to me, and holding my breath, as well.

Then, I heard the word 'guilty' on the first charge, and knew that in the many charges to follow, guilty would be the verdict.

Now we must go through the penalty phase, where life or death is decided. That will be no picnic either, but at least we are drawing closer to the end of this thing, and some closure, if that is even possible.

I'll blog the results when the sentencing part of the trial is over.

I've been neglectful of this blog, but I do have a good excuse. It's past my bedtime right now so I can't explain, but I did want to come on just so the blog wouldn't think I'd forgotten it.

I haven't.

I'll be back.

I actually finished my edits today, thank goodness. It did take me the better part of the day, but only because I paused so many times to take my turn on Words With Friends. It's an addictive game, and I like it because you can wait as long as you like to take your turn. I'm not sure how I got through a day without my iTouch. ;)

I am going to clean the kitchen now that I've finished edits, and then work out a little. I don't do nearly enough of that, but maybe once warm weather arrives I'll break out the old bike.

Sleeping in felt good this morning. There was no trial to get up at the crack of dawn for. Monday, that will start again, but it won't be long before the trial is over.

I got to see the cover today for my new book, which will be out in April. It's awesome, but I always think that about my covers :)

It appears that this trial is not going to last as long as we first though. I have gotten used to sitting in that court room, but by the middle of next week it should be over. I am so afraid that somehow, the jury will feel they don't have enough proof for a conviction. I'm afraid. I so hope they bring back a guilty verdict.

And through it all, thoughts of my baby are there, front and center. When I got a headache, she'd always put her arms around me and play with my hair. She was just such a gift. I miss her so much.

I'm behind on edits, because of spending so much time at the trial. We go back on Monday, so tomorrow I'll clean house and get all the edits finished. I hope.

I got up at six this morning and spent the entire day in court. I got home around seven tonight, and will go to bed soon. I feel like I will actually sleep. Court is exhausting, mentally.

On the plus side, it helped keep my mind off the sadness of the loss of my daughter. On the negative side, I had to hear details I could have done without in the murder of my brother. I didn't want to go the first couple of days because I didn't want to see the crime scene photos or hear the explicit testimony of the way it happened. 

Now I'm too tired to blog more tonight. I'm off to wash makeup off and get ready for bed.

Oh my God what a bad couple of days. I'm depressed, plain and not so simple. It's hard to get out of this quicksand. Thoughts are sluggish, and they actually hurt my head.

I think of dying. I don't make plans, so don't worry. I just think about it. I think about how I want to be there, and not here. I think about how there has to be heaven, and here might be hell. It feels like it, anyway.

But we're supposed to enjoy life, right? So this can't be hell. Life is a gift, isn't it?

I'm SO not afraid to die anymore. I think I might have been, once upon a time. Or I dreaded it, because of life. I enjoyed life then. Maybe I will again, but I'll never be afraid to die.

In a few weeks, if the jury brings back a guilty verdict on my brother's killer, at least that will be a relief, a lessening of the load. It's always scary to think about such a serious thing in the hands of 12 complete strangers.

Life is hard.

I don't really want to write tonight because I'm so tired. At times I'll feel so sleepy and tired that I just know if I go to bed, I'll sleep. The minute I turn off the TV and light, and turn on my little fan, I lie there wide awake. Pathetic.

The trial started today, and that's all I'll say about that.

Today has been a mix of good and bad, up and down, relief and anxiety. All these feelings, overflowing like a boiling pot of pasta. Which, by the way, I had for dinner.

I slept well last night, for a change, but still couldn't remember my dreams. Just little bits and pieces of barely grasped memories, ones that make absolutely no sense. I so want to dream about her, I want to communicate with her in my dreams.

My stepbrother came today and brought me a movie, Perfect Stranger. It's not like the cheesy lighthearted feel good flicks I usually watch nowadays, but it's okay. In the evening when it's quiet and dark outside, I like to put in any movie that will help take my mind off stuff.

I just this second realized that I'm due to take my 'help me make it through my life' meds. Off I go, to get the required bowl of ice cream and the pretty little pills. I can't swallow pills, have I mentioned that? I have to go through this whole routine of crushing them, or opening them, and pouring them into ice cream. Nothing else takes the taste away like ice cream. Plus, I do like to eat that ice cream, and all the other sweets, as if that might help fill up that hole inside me.

It never does, but it tastes good going down.

This weekend the weather is supposed to be gorgeous. In the 60s. That'll be a heatwave, compared with what we've been hit with this Winter. I do look forward to that. Everything seems better in the sun.

I found a wonderful woman online who has also lost someone, and her words of understanding and hope just light up my heart. That is my Good Thing for today.

Off to get that ice cream.

Just like with the anger, I seem to have no control over my tear ducts either. Sometimes when it happens, it's okay; I'm alone. At other times, I try to hide it, or run to the bathroom, or hide behind the clothes in a department store.

It's immediate and surprising, almost always. Sometimes it just waits for a visitor to leave my house and as soon as that door closes, wham, I'm hit with a big crying jag. Or someone says something kind, something sympathetic, and there I go.

If anyone reads this and has had an NDE or knows someone who has, please tell me your experience. I'd love to hear it.

Today my thoughts are disjointed. On the TV guide channel I keep seeing on Nickelodeon all the shows she loved. Spongebob and Dora and The Upside Down Show, and then on TV Land, All In The Family and Family Matters-was that girl ever crazy about Steve Urkel-Three's Company...In the mornings I see Barney pass by and remember her throwing her little arms around in wild abandon as she danced to The Wheels On The Bus and If You're Happy And You Know It and all those other Barney songs. I never disliked Barney, simply because she loved him. Always, always at the end of the show when he sang the I Love You song, she would pull me close and hold me until the song was over.

She couldn't walk, but she danced just the same. She danced with perfection by using her arms. When we watched ice skating she skated along by moving her arms. She couldn't really talk, so I never knew if she wanted to ask why she couldn't walk or dance like other kids.

She was a beautiful, wonderful, perfect child. I was so lucky to be her mom. I just wish I could have kept her forever.