Sackcloth and Gashes

 It's snowing again. Ask me if I'm surprised. That would be a big fat nope.

 I went to do a little shopping, nothing major. My mom wanted me to pick her up a few cases of water, and I also bought some nail polish, emery boards, pop tarts, bread, diet coke, chips (Munchos, pretzels, and cheddar fries), a clear glass vase, and a bunch of cut daisies. I put them in water as soon as I got home and here they sit, cheering up the room.

 Before I dropped my mom's water off and got home, there was about an inch of snow. Now there's around three. Tomorrow, my stepbrother wants to take me to 2nd Street to get "the best footers in the world" because he found out that though I've lived here my entire life, I've never tried them. But if we get much more snow, I don't think I'll be traipsing out to get a hot dog.

If I do, I'll take my camera. Maybe I'll find something interesting to take a picture of ;)

Sometimes when I start to write in this blog I'll think to myself, keep it easy today. No one likes to read about constant pain. But...if anyone starts reading this blog it'll probably be because they are also grieving. And if they are, they're going to completely understand. And if writing about my pain helps me out a little, why do I care that someone gets upset that I'm talking about heavy stuff? I guess I'm just weird that way.

My heart is broken. Mostly it feels like it'll never be patched back together. So yes, I'm going to write about pain. I'll write about pain and some days I'll write about what an okay day I've had or what I've been doing to try to forget the pain for a little while.

But she was such a special little thing. Missing her, needing her, that's not ever going to go away, is it? Not until I die and am once again with her. I need to focus on that. She's waiting for me. She's happier than she's ever been.

I'm sitting here with Word open, thinking about writing. I have a bag of Chick-O-Sticks and a bag of Bit-O-Honey candy, and I'm working my way through the bags. It's a hard day, and on these days I seek the relatively small comfort of food. Sweet foods, because that's my comfort. Better than a big old plate of meatloaf or a pizza. I need my sweets.

The Bit-O-Honey's are making my jaw crack with the effort of chewing them. My desk is littered with candy wrappers, and Saving Grace is in the DVD player. Earlier I looked at pictures of my little angel and then read for hours over the news items about the murders of my family members.

It came down to pneumonia, for my daughter. Have I told you that? She had pneumonia, an infection that she could not fight, and blood clots on her brain. Her little body couldn't fight.

God, how I miss that girl.

This is good, to write about it, because I don't want to talk about it to people, not anymore. I feel like they're wanting me to get on with life, to just get better. And I can't. I pretend to, though, for most of them. It's better that way.

Sometimes I just get so tired, so exhausted. I'm eager to go be with her, to be out of this hard, hard life. The couple of people I've mentioned that to look at me funny, like I'm going to go jump off a building or something. I'm not. I'd be too afraid that suicides might have to learn more life lessons, might not be able to go where we go when we leave this world. And I have to go be with her when it's my time to go. She needs me. I need her.

Besides, there are other people here to think about. Most importantly, my son. But that doesn't keep me from longing, or thinking that from now to then will probably be a long, long time.

For his sake, I hope so. For mine, not so much.

The trial was delayed. They can't seem to find an impartial jury. No doubt. This is not a huge county...

Today I am going to do some more plotting on the new book. After I eat my breakfast and drink my coffee, that is.

The trial starts tomorrow morning. It should last around three weeks. I'll go on some of those days, but not all. It's too much.

I have started a new book, finally. I even have a title. When I'm writing a book with no title, I can't truly be happy with it until I have that title in place. Hey. We all have our little quirks, right? In the grand scheme of things, mine is harmless, if a bit on the OCD side.

It rained all day today, and if one can go by the weather report, it will rain all day tomorrow, as well. Then, more snow for the remainder of the week. At least we did have those warm couple of days to see us through until Spring arrives for real. She's a stubborn so and so.

I had to put another coat of paint on the wall because it was still streaky looking. But at last, it's really finished. Tomorrow I will keep myself busy putting the living room back together.

My stepbrother will keep me informed of the days proceedings in court. I wish it was over.

A guy asked me today, are you single? I am single. But...I seem to like it that way. Before, I used my daughter for an excuse. Yes, I'm single, but all my time and energy is dedicated to my daughter. And it was. But now, I still seem to have no desire for a relationship or drama or having to change my schedule or pajamas for a guy who wants to come over for the evening when all I want to do is sit in my comfy old clothes and write.

I think I'm 'set in my ways'. Ugh.

Today the weather was spectacular. After months of dark cold, snow, ice, and rain, today's sunshine and warmth was amazing. I want more of that.

After another coat of paint on the wall, the painting is finished. I still have to get everything back in its place. I took a photo, but when I have everything back the way it should be, I'll take another.

I am so sleepy I can barely keep my eyes open. My dog is lying here on the bed asleep, and I'm jealous. I have to stay awake for a while longer, then I'm off to bed. It's early, so I hope I can stay in dreamland all night.

The new color on my living room looks fantastic. I'll take a picture of it as soon as everything is finished. We painted two bookcases white, and they are still drying. The room is a total mess. One more coat of paint tomorrow, finish up the bookcases, and it's done. I just have to put everything back in its place. That will take me a while.

The last two days have been nice; sunny and not freezing. It makes me realize that Spring will come. Eventually.

I have some family coming down tomorrow. We're going to paint some walls in my house. Living room, maybe dining room. I'm not sure yet. Probably some shelves...

I have to get some sleep or I'm going to be hard pressed to pick up a paint brush!

I cleaned house today, thoroughly, and didn't write anything. I have some time, as I just finished one book and have three more currently being decided upon. Still, I don't want to go for very long without starting that new book.

The news is starting to heat up with talk of the impending murder trial. Jury selection has begun. I saw The Monster on the news tonight and it's difficult not to toss the TV through the window. It's a terrible feeling, that helplessness, knowing there's not one thing you can do but hope for justice. But nothing will ever make it right, and there's not enough justice in the world that can possibly make a murderer suffer as much as the people whose lives he or she destroyed.

Today was uneventful. No sign of that stubborn lady, Spring. I think she's hiding in the shadows, laughing at us all.

I've been thinking about going on a trip, getting out of here come Summer. Because my little sweetie couldn't travel, I haven't gone anywhere since she was born. Quite a few years. It'd be nice to get away for awhile.

I finished the MS today, so that's a big relief. I needed to put it behind me and work on something new. I love when I finish a book. That's a great feeling. And thinking about the new book, that's a great feeling. Writing is just...good.

I'm really glad I am back to it.

Today was pretty productive, as far as work. I did have a few forms to fill out for my publisher. Because I delayed doing those until the last minute, it took me half the night to get them finished and sent off. That'll teach me. Not really.

I connected with an old friend today on Facebook, so that was nice. I dated him eleven years ago. Wow. Eleven years. Sometimes I can't believe how quickly time passes.

Besides writing and getting through those forms, I knitted a drawstring bag, watched a movie, ate some very creamy, very cold, very delicious vanilla ice cream, cleaned the kitchen, fed the fish, took the dog out, and read a little of Stephen King's Under the Dome. I also worked out with my weight hoop. And talked on the phone, messenger, and email. That's the short version of today.

I was just thinking how, when I was a child, I said things like 'slicky' for slick, and 'I know it' instead of 'I know'. These things jump into my mind at the oddest times and for no apparent reason. But they make me smile.

The trial is in a few days. I so dread it. Three weeks of hell, sitting there in that courtroom looking at The Monster, listening to terrible things. But I want to go, to show support for my dead brother and his family. It's the right thing to do.