Sackcloth and Gashes

Snow! More snow...and wind. This is a heck of a Winter. I was going to take more pictures, but didn't see the sense. It's all white and the trees are bare. I did throw out some bread crumbs for the birds, earlier.

I'm watching figure skating and finishing up an ms. So close to the end, so close to cleaning it up and sending it in. That's always a great feeling. It means I'll be starting something new soon. I haven't found many feelings as good as starting to write a new story.

I made pancakes for breakfast; banana and blueberry ones covered with powdered sugar and maple syrup. It was national pancake day, after all. :)

Last night I cut pieces of posterboard and painted a picture on each one. On one was a barn, on another an owl, on another a big silver moon. I'm going to paint a large black posterboard with other things, such as trees and stars in the sky, then glue the smaller paintings on the large one. I'm not sure why I did it that way, but it was what I wanted to do at the moment. I'm going to give it to my niece for her bedroom when it's finished. She wanted me to paint something for her. Right now I need to finish the book, but I may finish the painting tonight when I'm finished writing. If I do, or when I do, I'll take a photo and post it here.

It is frigid out there! The wind is gusting, blowing snow every which way. We did get a couple more inches of snow early in the morning hours, and are to expect more.

I took Delicate-Dog out to potty, and we both nearly froze. I couldn't wait to get back inside and thaw out. D-Dog is not crazy about the wind and snow either. Her paws were in dire need of defrosting when we came back in. The wind scares her. Of course, a leaf falling from a tree scares her as well, but still.

I had a banana for breakfast. It's time to get away from all the sweets and garbage I've been cramming in my body. I always feel better when I'm eating healthy foods, and God knows I want to feel better. The sweets somehow make me feel better, but only while I'm eating them.

Last night I made a few more bookmarks while watching Match Point and Bridget Jones's Diary.

A fresh cup of coffee here on my desk, and now I'm ready to write. It's a good day for it.

More snow tonight. The ground is still covered from the last snow. It's white out there. White and black. The bare, black trees in the white snow...it's depressing, honestly. Spring, where are you?

I was sick last night. I had a pretty severe headache, and even worse, a very unhappy stomach. I held off as long as I could because I so hate to throw up, but finally my stomach left me no choice. I did feel better afterward, even my headache was somewhat less. Today I'll take it easy and eat light, uninteresting foods.

Last night I also missed my little girl so very much.

Happy Valentine's Day.

I changed my header picture once again. I change it based on mood, but I'm going to leave this one for awhile, I think. I do love yellow flowers. They're just so cheerful and happy.

I went to the store today to pick up a few household items, and ended up with some black poster board, more glass beads, and glitter paint. I'm making bookmarks. I should be writing on the ms, but...

After I write today's post, I may write a little. I really, really need to get disciplined. For the last couple of years I joined NaNoWriMo, and I love the daily pressure to get that word count. I work best under pressure.

Has anyone tried the Shake Weights? I'm thinking about getting one. I really don't like lifting weights, and these look fun. I think I'll give it a try.

Today's mail brought a pink wallet for my iPod Touch. It's okay, but a little awkward. I use my Touch so much. I don't know what I did without it. Just like internet. What did we do before internet?

I want to go back to school. I just can't, for the life of me, figure out what degree I want to get. What do I want to do? I don't know anymore. I always wanted to go into the medical field, ever since I was a kid, but not now. Now the very thought turns my stomach. So what the heck is it I want to do?

Something outdoors sounds great. Something physical, but I'm also all about the paperwork and the writing and the office...

I just don't know. Why is it always so difficult for us to figure ourselves out? I could probably look at another person and have all sorts of ideas for them. But when it comes to myself....nope.

And this is a very small town. There isn't a lot to do in this entire county. I will continue writing, of course. It's what I do, what I love. But I want something else, too. Problem is figuring out what.

The way you get meaning into your
life is to devote yourself to loving others,
devote yourself to your community around you,
and devote yourself to creating something that
gives you purpose and meaning.
--Mitch Albom

I'm going to write. It'd be fantastic if I could finish up the ms today, though that's not going to happen. Still, I'm going to try to get a good chunk taken care of today.

I have a vase of cut flowers on my desk that smell so great. They remind me of Spring. My dog is here beside me, keeping me company as I write. Isn't she beautiful?

Please excuse me if I seem slightly...insane. One day I'm so far down I don't think I'll ever be able to feel right again, and the next day I'm feeling better and so grateful to be feeling better that I hold on to that with everything I've got, hoping that feeling will stay with me.

Today Under the Dome came in the mail, and a really pretty black and silver beaded bookmark. I love bookmarks, almost as much as I love books. And journals. And notebooks, office supplies, paper. I'm a writer. We have to love that stuff. It's the law. ;)

I do love Stephen King. I've been reading him since I was a teenager, and haven't stopped. The Stand, The Dark Tower books, Misery, oh, just about everything he's written. The man is Superwriter.

I've joined Twitter, looking for some folks with interesting lives to read about. I'm always searching for things to take me out of my head. I'm going to try to be more positive in this blog, less...miserable. Maybe if I write good stuff, I'll be good stuff. Happiness. Is it real, or is it Memorex?

I had two powdered donuts with my coffee this morning. Damn it! I've got to stop buying those sweets. A long time ago I was told about weighted hula hoops, how great of a workout you can get with them, how toned, etc. So I made one. You can find the instructions here, if you'd like to try making your own. It is fun, and you can buy DVDs to hoop along to. You don't use the standard child-sized hoops; the adult fitness ones are huge, and heavy. When I first started using mine I got some serious bruises! Mine might have been a bit too heavy. Here is another article on hooping.

We got a lot of snow last night. It started before I went to sleep and when I woke up today, the world was pretty white. It didn't take long for the scrapers and salt trucks to clear up the streets, though. According to my mom, more snow is coming in tonight. And because it's going to be 15 degrees out, the wet roads will freeze, making travel dangerous.

I'm not planning on going anywhere tonight. I'm feeling hermit-like. For now.

Today. Hmm. What to say about today.

I am less hurt today than I was yesterday. At least parts of today I was less hurt than yesterday. I kept flashing on that beautiful, special little face while wasting the Sunday in a store, wandering around. I should have been home writing, but these days, staying home isn't high on my list of good things to do. It's too familiar. There are too many memories.

Every I look around I see her pictures, her toys, her ensure, pampers...so many memories. I can't figure out if I shouldn't push it right now, if I should hide all those things so I don't have to see them the entire time I'm home, or if I should keep looking every day, forcing myself to face reality. No matter how much it hurts. Triggers. Do I avoid them, or not? I don't know.

When both my brothers died, I couldn't look at their pictures. I couldn't look at them in their caskets. But with my girl, I did. Maybe because she was my child. Or maybe because she died in my arms, and I'd already faced it. I wanted to bring her home, but I couldn't take her across State lines; that and the fact that my family thought I'd lost my mind and I gave up. I wasn't ready to walk out of that hospital and let them come take her away.

At the funeral, I cut a lock of her hair and tied it with a ribbon. I put it in a beautiful wooden music box I was given after she died. In with that I put her obituary, and a few keepsakes such as an ornament with her name on it. I kissed her, at the funeral, and looked at her face. But I was numb then. I'm not numb now, not wrapped in disbelief. I don't ask why this happened, because I won't get the answer. I just think about seeing her again when I die. I look forward to dying, as hard as that might be to imagine. I so look forward to it. I want to go be with her. Will that pass? I don't know that either. I just know that I'll probably live for a long, long time. And I hope I'm able to enjoy life again. Because if I can't, what a miserable existence this will be, right?

I have to stop looking to the future, because right now, the future is a scary, scary place. Minute by minute, day by day. That's how I'll get through this. Or at least I'm going to try. Sometimes I have to remind myself. Don't look there, you can't really see the truth there. What's in this moment? This is where you need to be. Look into now, into this second. Pretty soon, it'll be tomorrow. And tomorrow is always going to be brighter than today.

We didn't get the snow yet, but it's supposed to come in this evening. I covered my bike a little late. The poor thing has been rained on so much that it's beginning to rust.

I've checked off quite a few things on my list today, and it's funny how much better that makes me feel. Like I've accomplished things that need to be done, and it's more manageable when I'm seeing it all written out in black and white.

My son, who, by the way, is a completely awesome boy, went off to get us a little propane camp stove and propane heater, so we'll have coffee and heat if the power goes out. We've spent many a miserable, dark, cold day and night in the winter without power. Isn't it an amazing feeling with the lights come back on?

My iPod Touch, Nintendo DS, PSP, Netbook, and cell phone are all charged up and ready to go should I lose power. A lighter, plain candles, batteries, and flashlights are all in a ziplock in a drawer, ready for easy access. Four gallons of water are in the pantry. I have crackers and cakes and chips and canned food. I'm ready for Ms. Snowstorm, should she show her icy, vengeful  face.

Edits have been sent for my editor to look at over the weekend, and we're still on track for an April release, even though I've been so out of it. I've contacted another publisher about a fantasy I'd like to submit to them, and am still waiting for a reply.

I finished my mom's laundry, ate some veggies, paid some bills. I've started a washcloth, ignored the TV, fed the fish, and took the dog out. It's five pm and I've accomplished some stuff today. It's good.

I meant to have this post written before midnight, but I didn't get to it. It was a pretty busy day, with my therapy appointment and the usual stop at Walmart. I live in a small town surrounded by other small towns, and Walmart is all we have. Seriously.

It was packed tonight, and when I stopped at Kroger to pick up water for my mom, that store was packed as well. Walmart was out of the water she wanted; nearly out of all water, so Kroger it was. And Kroger was also nearly out of water. That's what happens when we get the hint of a Winter storm around here. Everyone runs to stock up just in case we lose power and water, which actually, happens here way too often. Or so it seems, anyway.

I received a tarot card set today for a gift; the book, bag, and cards. The artwork on the cards is gorgeous. I haven't read the book yet, but I did make a pretty little drawstring bag to hold the cards. Of course I did. If there's a use for a drawstring bag, or even if there isn't, I'll make one. Told you I'm obsessed.

I also got a Linda Howard book today, one of the few of hers I haven't read. Talked to a couple of my editors, had a long conversation with a friend, and made myself another schedule of sorts. It helps me to have a plan for my day, and to check things off as I complete them. Lately, I'm more inclined to lie for hours in front of the TV than do anything constructive. Time to get to work, whether I want to or not.

Let's see, what else...I ate too many sweets. I crave them, lately. At the store I bought powdered donuts, and ate some of them in the car. I was shaking like an addict too long without a fix. It's very odd. My drug is sugar. That's just wrong. I've got to get my system back to normal.

Some days when I think about this blog, I think I'll write about the day she died. But it's not something I can do yet. I can't. I try not to think about it so much, because it hurts in places so deep and dark I don't think a healing hand can ever reach them. So not right now. But someday, I'll go over that time in the hospital, maybe it'll even help me see it more clearly. Because lately, all I can remember are the very bad things, her pitiful, heart-wrenching cries of pain, the procedures, the sounds...

But even through all that, I remember saying, smile baby, can you show mama that pretty smile? and she would smile, although only one side of her face would move. Even though she was in such pain. And here I am now, crying, so sad, because she was the love of my life and she hurt. And she's gone. I never got to make it better. She just hurt, and then she was gone. And I hate that I didn't get to make it better.